Peter: I'll give you $40 for that coffin.
Store Owner: Sir, this casket is $1,000.
Peter: I'll give you $2,000.
Store Owner: Sir, that's double what it costs.
Inspired by this family guy episode and the recent baffling events on Long Island, I figured I'd draft up my own Wang/Dipietro "negotiation script". Enjoy!
Setting:
A small, barren office somewhere in Long Island. The room is dimly lit and the walls are blank. Charles Wang, Mike Milbury and Garth Snow sit at a black, wooden, lacquered table that stretches nearly the width of the entire office. Across the table is Rick Dipietro and his agent.
Wang is wearing an expensive business suit and a firm expression on his face. Snow, to his left, has on a disheveled "Im with Stupid--->" t-shirt and looks about nervously. Milbury, to Wang's right, is garbed in a preposterously high collared jacket with a giant bow-tie and a towering top hat which has "In this style 10/6" written across the side. He sips tea from a small, delicate china cup and giggles intermittently.
Wang: "We want you both to know that the NY Islanders organization values what Rick brings to the table...however, I and my staff are prepared to play hardball in these negotiations. A fair and sensible deal is all we're after here."
Agent: "Understood. Now, we all know that Rick hasn't put up stellar numbers in the NHL so far, however we feel that..."
Mad Mike: (interrupting) "Do you care for tea?"
Dipietro & Agent: (confused) "Errr...no. No thanks."
Mad Mike: "Well, you could at least make polite conversation!"
Wang: "You better have some tea..."
Diepietro: "Mike's got the only cup."
Wang: "Are we short on cups?"
Mad Mike: "Ho ho! A challenging riddle! But answer me this: how is a Raven like a writing desk?"
Snow looks at his collegues in confusion.
Wang: "Good question. A two million dollar bonus to the first of my eployees that can answer it! Garth make a note of that."
Snow makes a note on his hand with a marker.
Wang: "Now, back to the issue at hand. Let's forgo all this hockey mumbo-jumbo and start throwing out some numbers. You know well enough that I can't make rhyme or reason of these so-called "statistical comparisons". And all this "salary-cap" nonsense Garth here keeps telling me about makes my head hurt..."
Mad Mike: (giggling and sipping tea) "Rhyme or reason. Reason! Reason!"
Snow is chewing his fingernails.
Agent: "Uhh...ohhhkayyyy...As I was saying, the basis of our demands rests on the fact that..."
Wang: "Three Million! Wait! Three point five! For 5 years!"
Agent: "three point five for five? Well that sounds..."
Wang: "...four million! For seven years!"
Agent: (looks at Dipietro and smiles) "eight years!"
Wang: "Ten!"
Mad Mike: "10/6!"
Snow: "Uh...Mr. Wang, sir, I don't think that's how this is supposed to..."
Wang: "Shut up Garth! I didn't hire you to make these kinds of decisions."
Snow digs the heels of his hands into his eyes.
Agent: "We're willing to go as high as eleven years at four million per year."
Wang: "Twelve years!"
Dipietro: "TWELVE?"
Mad Mike: "Tea?"
Agent: "Thirteen Years!"
Wang: "Fifteen! Four point five per season!"
Snow's head hits the table with a thud.
Wang: "That's our final offer. If you want less than that, I'm afraid we can't accomodate you."
Mad Mike Giggles. Dipietro's agent's pants are visibly tenting.
Dipietro: (thoroughly confused): "less than that...?"
Agent: (aside to Dipietro): "Shut up." (To Wang): "You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Wang. Rick and I both know when we're licked. We grudgingly accept your offer."
Wang: "Excellent. My associates and I knew you'd come around to our way of thinking eventually."
Mad Mike: (giggling): hehe...thinking!...More tea?"
Dipietro: "We haven't had any yet."
Snow: (resigned sigh) "If they've had none, they certainly can't take any less..."
Mad Mike: "More then. You can always take more than nothing."
Wang: "Yes. Take more."
Agent: (As Dipietro signs the contract) "More it is then."
Everyone shakes hands amicably. The deal is celebrated by all mentioned when Mad Mike throws Rick Dipietro an "Un-Birthday Party" that night at a high-class bar (all expenses paid by the NY Islanders).
