Since others are initiating blog-o-sphere "fun summer activities!", I figured it was time for me to get in on the action.
Scenario:
Kansas City has finally been granted it's expansion squad. The quirky ownership group of Charles Wang, Oren Koules and Boots Del Baggio decide to go an unorthodox route to hire a General Manger by holding a "GM raffle". The raffle is open to all fans, pundits and amateur know-it-alls. The entrants names will be put into a giant purple drum and the winner will be chosen randomly by a blind-folded Mike Milbury.
For the hell of it, you decide to send in an entry. Why not? Surely almost anyone could do better than, say, the current Islanders or Maple Leafs rosters, right?
Anyways, the day comes and, of course, Mad Mike pulls your name from the big purple drum. During your entry meetings, the ownership group confides that they will be abandoning their previous "total interference" management style and will be giving you full reign over the club. In fact, they encourage you to be completely idiosyncratic and unorthodox in your team building.
With that in mind and with a basic knowledge of in-group/out-group dynamics, you decide the best way to go about creating an expansion roster is to collect the most hate-able and reviled players available. Being despised by the rest of the league might galvanize the fan-base and lead to a cohesive dressing room. On that basis you target every jerk you can find.
KC-DB fantasy draft rules:
- Draft a 23 man roster of the guys you love to hate.
- Current players only - an historical roster of this type would be a daunting task.
- Work with current salaries and the established salary cap of 56.7M.
So, without further ado, I present to you my Kansas City D-bags!**:
Forwards - (L - C - R)
Steve Ott (1.425) - Alexei Yashin (4) - Todd Bertuzzi (1.95)
Matt Cooke (1.2) - Mike Ribeiro (5) - Cory Perry (5.325)
Daniel Carcillo (.8) - Sean Avery (4) - Jordin Tootoo (.975)
Alex Burrows (.483) - Laperriere (1.15) - Derek Boogaard (.950)
Jarko Ruutu (1.3)
Total - 28.558
A fine mix of floppers, whiners, pests, turtlers, scrappers, cheap-shot artists, loud-mouths, selfish jerks and the generally reprehensible. Notice how well the Vancouver Canucks are represented (ex and current). I fudged Yashin's salary a bit, but I think it's realistic.
Defense -
Chris Pronger (6.25) - Dion Phaneuf (6.5)
Darien Hatcher (3.5) - Ole Kristian Tollefsen (.675)
Shane O'Brien (1) - Boris Valabik (.850)
Doug Murray (.550)
Total - 19.325
This was a tough one, because I had to exclude some personal un-favoritres of mine due to budget restraints *cough* Jovo *cough*.
I think we can all agree that the combination of Captain Elbows and Dion Phaneuf, while pricey, would be very effective at both playing and being loathed. Darien Hatcher has been relatively well behaved the last few years, but I still really dislike that behemoth.
O'Brien, Tollefsen and Murray are all huge players willing to mash smaller forwards into the boards and get into a scrap or two. O'Brien, in particular, managed 6 majors and 4 misconducts (as well as 42 minors) last year alone.
Then there's Boris Valabik. For those unaware, Valabik is a 6'7", 240 pound Atlanta Thrasher prospect. He garnered 42 PIM in just 7 games last year and was a 200+ PIM getter in his Junior days. I dont think he'll be very popular outside of Atlanta (perhaps not even inside Atlanta for that matter).
Goalies:
Ray Emery (3)
Andrew Raycroft (.8)
Total - 3.8
Total Cap-hit: 51.683
The goalies was a tough one. A lot of the really abhorrent guys are retired (Hextall, Smith, Roy, Hasek?). I picked Emery because it takes a certain kind of person to go from Stanley Cup finalist to league pariah in a single season. As for Raycroft...well...I just like to pick on him.
So there you have it! Feel free to add your own D-bag roster in the comments or elsewhere.
(**talk about great fodder for a logo contest.)
