With the last of the NHL trades coming out, I thought I would take this opportunity to have a little review of what has occurred over the past couple of days. A review tainted by my dislike nearly for all teams not Calgary, my extremely dislike of the Losers from up the QE2, and several other non-specific biases.
- Keith Tkachuck leaves the comfort and security of the Blues for the gangsta rap and uncertainly that lies in Atlanta.
My Take: Surrounded by traditional southern cooking, Fatchuk cannot control himself and his weight balloons at an inverse ratio to the Thrasher’s playoff hopes.
- Richard Zednik goes from the where George W. Bush lives to where Donald Trump’s hair lives.
My Take: Despite Ovi-one’s use of the force, Washington still sucks and if I were Zednik, I would be thankful I got out of the Murder Capital of the world and onto a team where flashings of greatness are rewarded with 15 year contracts.
- Brent Sopel goes back to the Canucks after a stint in La-La land.
My Take: The entire population of Vancouver sighed in disappointment as they were removed from the 50 most beautiful places to live thanks to Sopel’s hideous mug and greasy mullet.
Gary Roberts goes to play with his childhood idle Sidney Crosby.
My Take: The often smiling Roberts will do nothing but improve the Penguins, after all, he won a Stanley cup when the Penguins current best player was 2 years old and still filling his diapers on a daily basis.
- Martin Biron leaves the Buffalslugs to live and work in Rocky Balboa’s home town.
My Take: Best team in the league to consistently terrible year in and year out; Martin will learn very quickly that being an NHL starter is not quite what he thought it was going to be.
- One of the greats of all time, Ty Conklin goes from Columbus to Buffalo.
My take: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…...Buffalo is apparently the source of some really good hallucinogenic drugs.
- Georges Laraque is now a Penguin.
My Take: Pittsburg thinks they have aquired a 250lb penguin that can beat the crap out of you and play hockey, but bad news, he can’t play hockey. (Seriously, just imagine a 250lb penguin fighting…hahahahaha!)
- Bill Guerin goes to San Jose and is now a Shark.
My Take: BOOOOOO! Ville is a hard core agitator, an in-your-face guy, the kind of lad that will willingly cheap shot and injure the opposition’s best player, and San Jose thinks they can replace him with an aging goal scorer? BOOOOOOO!!!
- Oleg Saprykin leaves the desert to join the Sens.
My Take: A prediction - Oleg crying himself to sleep when he finds out that he really isn’t the most talented player on the team and actually has to try once in a while.
- Todd Bertuzzi leaves Sunny Florida to join up with the Wings.
My Take: Another prediction - Seeing that Todd, the gutless coward, is now in a position to possibly have his name added to Lord Stanley’s Cup, Gordie Howe comes out of retirement just long enough to lay the beating of a lifetime on the big dumb criminal…in practice.
- Ryan Smyth leaves Stinktown and goes to an Island once traded for some beads.
My Take: Oh my goodness thank you MacT! The Oil give up their only quasi-superstar for some draft picks. My only regret is that I don’t have enough time to leave my desk and watch all the chumps that cheer for the Oiler’s cry like babies at the loss of the mulletted leader! (This trade is so awesome it required three sentences).
To steal a line from a fantastic movie;
"I believe in the ruling class, especially since I rule!"
