He's just banishing an evil spirit from this lady. Honest!Bag-skates and brow-beating haven't helped.
Public call-outs and private discussions haven't helped.
Liberal mixing of linemates and blockbuster trades haven't made a dent.
Badgering reporters, fan angst, precious points and play-off position - all useless before the might of the indomitable Road Demon that possesses the Calgary Flames outside of the comfy confines of the Saddledome. He slows legs and numbs minds. He infects the team with an un-thwartable malaise. pucks dumped in are irretrievable. Penalties against are un-killable.
It's high time for this fiend to be exorcised I say.
With a view to accomplishing this feat I dove head first into the unfathomably deep ocean of useless information that is our glorious interweb and found this helpful little article.
The devil may, in fact, be present if a person begins speaking unknown languages, has an utter revulsion to holy symbols such as a crucifix or baptismal oils, or displays super-human strength.
- Speaks unknown languages - Ever listen to Rich (mumbles) Preston pre and post game interviews? Check.
- Revulsion of holy symbols - the possessed "Road Flames" seem deathly allergic to the holiest of hockey symbols; that being the sacred "W". Check.
- Displays super-human strength. Hmmm...maybe if you consider the super-human amount of sucking they do. Semi-check.
Now that we've established the Flames are possessed beyond all reasonable doubt, next comes the actual ritual:
Says Father Giulio Savoldi, who has been Milan's official exorcist for more than two decades:
"I would include the supernatural force--the presence of God--and then suggest that the man picked to do this kind of work be wise and that he should know how to gather strength not just from within himself but from God."
Right. I think I can summon the strength of God. Why not? And I'm irrefutably wise.
(The components of the exorcism) include, according to the Rite:
Making the sign of the cross
Sprinkling holy water
Ordering the devil to leave the possessed person
I don't think the sign of the cross would help in this circumstance, so I'm going to go with humming the theme to "Hockey Night In Canada" while diving through the air Bobby Orr style. The sprinkling of Holy Water is a problem since I don't have any close at hand and it tends to burn me whenever I touch it anyways. Champagne from the Holy Grail (Stanley Cup) would no doubt be appropriate but, alas, I'm fresh out of that. Guess I'll settle for some "Xtremo - Mango Electrico" Gatorade. I can see the marketing slogan now: "quenches thirst AND battles the Dark Lord! - Is IT in you?...if so, get it out with holy Extremo Gatorade!"
Ordering the Devil to leave will probably be the easiest part. I would suggest, if any of you are trying this at home prior to tonight's contest, invoking the name of the Savior Sutter while demanding the Demon's exit. He conjured Kipper from nothing, brought healing and happiness to an ailing franchise and lead our team back to the Holy Land. If any presence will help drive the evil from the Road Flames, it's his.
So that's it! Starting tonight the Road Flames will no longer be tormented by the mediocrity Demon. Wins shall once again rain upon us and quench our thirst as a storm in the desert. Children will laugh and play, couples will happily copulate and Britney Spears will once and for all fade from our collective memories. Rejoice all you faithful. Rejoice and sing and frolic in the Red Sea...
(*other interesting tid-bits from the linked article - apparently the Devil speaks Italian and Hitler was influenced by evil spirits. Very charismatic ones it would seem).
