The Hockey News has already done something similar, so let me add my snarky 2 cents to each team's off-season.
1.) ANA - luckily, this ones already been done for me by Earl:
Oompa Lupul doompadee doo,
I’ve got a hockey lesson for you,
Oompa Lupul doompadah dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you with a kid who shoots hard?
Trade him for Pronger, send him northward,
When it comes time when Pronger must be moved,
Reverse the trade and hope the kid’s improved.
2.) ATL - Waddell acquires Antropov to help Kovalchuk to not play defense.
3.) BOS - Plays hard ball with Kessel but signs the thoroughly mediocre Derek Morris to a 3.3M contract. Brilliant.
4.) Buffalo - A non-playoff team looks to make an impact by signing...Mike Grier and Steve Montador. Uh...
5.) CGY - Flames have 8 NHL defensemen, picked a defenseman in the first round of the entry draft, traded for another prospect defenseman and have $20M+ tied up in their top 4 blueliners. Im starting to think Darryl would ice an entire team of defenders if he could get away with it.
6.) CAR - How do you reward Dennis Sedeinberg and Anton Babchuk for having career seasons last year? By telling them to hit the road, of course!
7.) CHI - Im starting to think it was actually Kane that buggered up Hossa's shoulder. Or maybe it was Patrick's cousin - at least, according to Kane's lawyer.
8.) COL - JM Liles makes more than every Avalanche forward except for Paul Stastny. Ouch.
9.) CBJ - In their desperate need for a PP quarterback, the Blue Jackets signed...Mathieu Roy.......*cough*.......
10.) DAL - Neiuwendyk's major contribution this summer has been firing Dave Tippett and hiring Marc Crawford. Sales of whiskey have gone up in Marty Turco's immediate neighborhood as a result.
11.) DET - Bye Hudler. Bye Hossa. Bye Conklin. Bye Kopecky. Hello...Patrick Eaves? Bah. They're still going to kick everyones ass.
12.) EDM - Tambellini's strategy had two main prongs this summer: 1.) Replace an aging goalie with an even more expensive aging goalie and 2.) hide under some coats and hope that somehow everything works out.
13.) FLA - Replaced Bouwmeester with Leopold and Anderson with Clemmensen. The playoffs will remain an elusive dream.
14.) LAK - Ryan Smyth to join Justin Williams in the Kings infirmary all year. Question is: who will become the better ping-pong player?
15.) MIN - "Know what I hated about Gaborik? The fact that he was always injured. Not like Martin Hav......god damn it!"
16.) MTL - Gainey is spending $18M+ to ice the lollipop guild as the Canadiens #1 line. Oh and he was outsmarted by Glen Sather to boot.
17.) NSH - Major signing this summer was 35 year old perpetually injured Steve Sullivan. A such, there's going to be more scoring problems in music town - perhaps someone can write a sad country song about it.
18.) NJD - What are the chances ancient buddies Lou Lamoriello and Jacques Lemaire forget what year it is half way through the season?
19.) NYI - With Guerin, Sillinger and McAmmond all leaving, Doug Weight must look around the dressing room and think "WTF am I doing here?"
20.) NYR - Points for getting rid of Gomez. Major deductions for spending the savings on Gaborik and Donald Brashear and not, you know, an NHL defenseman or two. Further deductions for spurning Zherdev but signing Kotalik.
21.) OTT - Yes, Murray, 36 year old Alex Kovalev certainly deserved a raise after a season in which he was scratched by the GM while his team struggled. And good work with that whole Heatley thing. Well handled.
22.) PHI - With the cap hits on Rathje and Hatched finally (close to) expiring, the Flyers figured they should add another salary they can never get rid of in Chris Pronger. Almost as smart a banking on Ray emery as your starter when there were oodles of other options in the UFA pool.
23.) PHX - Something about fishes and barrells comes to mind here. Poor Matthew Lombardi.
24.) PIT - Malkin scored 113 points last year. Crosby scored 103. Jordan Staal and Petr Sykora were the only other Penguins to manage more than 40 points and they let Sykora walk this summer. Even Bob MacKenzie with his pumpkin head isn't this top heavy.
25.) STL - spent the summer sacrificing small animals to the hockey gods in exchange for fewer injuries to their expensive players. Oh...and signed Barry Tallackson.
26.) SJS - Three RFA's still twisting in the wind, 11 NHL forwards signed (if you include Jody Shelly and Jed Ortmeyer) and about 900k in cap space and they're talking about acquiring Heatley? Even Tom Cruise would think that's nuts.
27.) TBL - Chose Victor Hedman in the draft. Then signed Mattias Ohlund. Then signed Matt walker. Then signed Kurtis Foster. Then traded for David Hale. on top of which, they already had Meszaros, Ranger, Krajicek, Smaby, Wyshart, Mihalik, Lashoff (RFA) and Lundin (RFA). And the owners are squabbling over money. Related - Lecavlier will make $10M in salary this season.
28.) TOR - Brian Burkes approach to team building this summer seems to mirror Mark Trail: a man whose main problem-solving algorithm consists of “Does it have a face I can punch?” and “Are there any intervening objects that would impede the trajectory of my fist?”
29.) VAN - The only reason I can think of for signing Andrew Raycroft is to convince Luongo they really, really need him.
30.) WAS - Michael Nylander and Jose Theodore stick around in order to to prove, once and for all, who was the worse mistake.
